How To Pretend To Clean Your Home

I approach cleaning the way I would approach a dangerous beast in a fist fight:  Quick, halfhearted jabs, followed by dancing out of reach.  For long periods of time.  By the time I make another stab at tidying (we are talking about  Cleaning now, not Dangerous Beasts), all my previous efforts have been erased by the dropped clothing items, fallen papers, and general debris that I leave in my wake like a slime trail.

Keep in mind that as I write these words, I am wearing a pair of eyeglasses held together by nothing but Scotch tape.  Yesterday morning I woke up to find that my glasses were not on my nightstand, and my panicked search only ended when I heard a heartrending combination of *CRACK* and *CRUNCH* underfoot and found my specs, bridge broken cleanly in half.

This misfortune is due more to my blind-as-a-batshit-bat vision than to the cluttered state of my floor

but it did seem a sign that it was time for another cautious stab at The Beast.  (No, we are talking about cleaning here too.  Bear with me.)

HOW TO (PRETEND TO) CLEAN YOUR DWELLING

1) Your dwelling is a dorm room.  It has 2 beds, but only 1 inhabitant. That inhabitant is your messy self.  As a result, both beds are covered in crap.

2) The floor is also covered in crap.

3) So are both desks.

4) There is no horizontal surface not covered in crap.

5) Get depressed.  Get intimidated.  Start nervously shredding a scrap of paper.

6) Pause and retape your glasses.

7) Throw out the shredded paper scrap.  (In your paper trashcan. Because you are a committed recycler.)

8) Feel good about yourself because you recycle.  (Good work!  I’m so proud of you.)  Armed with this confidence, tackle something small and of little importance.  Arrange your Mardi Gras bead collection (currently in a pile on a dresser) by color and start making a chain to hang on the wall.

9) Why are you wasting your time on the Mardi Gras beads?  That is ridiculous.  Stop and throw them down in disgust.

10) Now you have Mardi Gras beads in two separate sprawling piles.  Ignore that.

11) Attack random sections of your room in equally random, desperate lunges.  Do this until your friend across the hall comes back from work.

12) Complain to your friend about cleaning.  Cleaning is no fun.

13) Your friend got a hammer last weekend.  She likes her hammer.  Let your friend convince you that you should allow her hammer nails into your wall.

14) Get out the picture frame you’ve been meaning to hang and figure out together how to align the nails.  Watch friend bang wall with hammer.

15) Only half the nails go in without bending.  Oh well.  Put away picture frame.

16) Retape glasses.

17) More desperate lunges. Oh look!  Those little bottles of food flavoring you bought!

18) Decide to make flavored milk.  Take votes on which flavor to use.

19) Make milk. It needs more sugar. Find more sugar.

20) Write a blog post.  Because that will be of no help to you or to anyone.

Tada!  Your room still looks like crap.  Go to sleep, because it’s late.

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